When the French press imagines the invasion of Switzerland

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“At a time when the trade war between the United States and China is attracting all eyes, would it not be opportune to embark on a small plunder, quickly done well, like the Middle Ages? […] A safe filled to the brim awaits us on our landing. […] Only Geneva and Zurich interest us. And then we leave immediately, I promise. “

This is how “Invading Switzerland” begins, the dossier published this Thursday in big Bang, the group’s new annual review So press, the editor for So Foot or Society among other titles. A French review, you understood it.

A clever file, which provides the journalistic UFO (340 pages cut into 12 chapters to read over a year) a small free promo guaranteed in Switzerland, given the fantasies raised by the subject in the country of proclaimed perpetual neutrality. Promo assumed then, the file is really interesting because relying on real strategic and military sources, it is even all that makes its interest. And it’s not every day that a trendy magazine dwells on General Guisan, the national retreat and the militia army, let’s face it.

“A very hard bone”

A little provocative to begin with: “Invading Switzerland is not only a good idea, it seems at first glance an excessively simple mission: let us remember that the Swiss are so used to living in opulence and peace that they have. tend to forget to lock their doors. Bingo, ”the magazine first explains sweetly. Before giving the floor to military strategists, who immediately correct: “Wanting to invade Switzerland is to fall on a very hard bone”, according to the professor of military history Jean-Charles Jauffret, a Marseillais, who remembers his surprise when he stumbled upon a jet plane in Interlaken: “There are shelters in the granite mountains where the planes are stored. The Swiss Alps are full of landmarks. ”

big Bang however established a formidable plan of attack. The invasion would begin with a “cybernetic attack that would target the power grid, combined with a very violent air-land campaign, intended to shatter the morale of the population.” This could focus on the greater Zurich area and the decision-making centers. ” Boom. Who has just remembered that the hypothesis of a computer attack is regularly pointed out by Swiss defense officials, with no guaranteed answer for the moment?

Helpful, the magazine has worked on a map of annexation, with arrows everywhere, and in the very center, the national redoubt. The infantry of the region of Annecy and Annemasse would attack Geneva and Sion while that of Belfort would target Zurich and Neuchâtel. A parachute commando would block the Saint-Gothard tunnel. The French cyber teams would attack the services of the SRC in Bern …

“The Red Team” in the report

To explore this apocalypse plan, the magazine had recourse to the good advice of an expert from the Red Team, this team of the French army whose job is to work on improbable scenarios of defense and attack in company. science fiction novelists (France Culture has just dedicated A program). “The object of the game is to conquer the main cities. Once you have conquered Geneva, Basel and Zurich, you control the institutions, the infrastructures, analyzes the expert, Michel Goya; there may be guerrillas or guerrillas that still exist in the mountains, it does not matter ”- Translate, Switzerland is not Afghanistan”, explains the review…

big Bang then looks back on the fortune that could fall on France – with a most serious perspective on the automatic exchange of information and on tax evasion: even Pascal Saint-Amans, director of the Center for Fiscal Policy and Administration of the OECD plays the game. MROS, the Money Laundering Communications Office which depends on Fedpol, are also being examined. “While admitting that the relative powerlessness of MROS stems above all from a political will, the passage of Switzerland under the French flag could make it possible to change the situation.”

Finally, the review also returns to the need for Switzerland to reinvent itself, “when it becomes the 14th French region, after annexation”. The working classes will be more visible in the public space, and cross-border workers will no longer have any interest in coming. “We will once again become this country of peasants and mountain people without any real industry,” says choreographer Gilles Jobin, who has already imagined the invasion of Switzerland, but this time by the United States, in his show Text to speak. “We will work a little less, we will demonstrate more,” jokes humorist Thomas Wiesel.

A Swiss who would speak French

The biggest challenge for the new central state will be to make the whole country speak in the language of Molière, imagine Big Bang, which evokes the Multilingualism founder of the Swiss identity. Ah, and the “French imperialists” will bring in their suitcases a new framework, that of “cultural exception”. “Art will perhaps stop being regarded as the hobby of the member of the family who failed in his life”, comments Thomas Wiesel again; Finally, we will see Swiss films, we will hear Swiss music and we will visit exhibitions by Swiss artists. Even though they will all now be referenced as French. ”

Between subversion and offbeat gaze, there are still plenty of other intriguing, disturbing but also very distracting things which give food for thought in this Swiss dossier. Which is only one of the twelve chapters of the review, dated “May 1, 2021 to April 1, 2022”. A beautiful press utopia. Big Bang, which presents itself as “The Almanac of Possibilities”, is strong.

Big Bang, 340 pages, in bookstores, 19.90 euros.